SOS III: Shocking Occult Secrets
by The Elf Monster
Summary: Parody: Langdon needs THE CODE, but can't seem to find it. Contains facts!
1. Prologue:  Foreshadowing

Author's Note: Everything in this book is true! Or so says the moogles living in my boots!

Benjamin Franklin was LDS _before_ it was cool. He used his time traveling electric kite to travel to the future and have a brief conversation with Joseph Smith. He then traveled back in time so _he_ could be the first mormon!

Renowned curator, a renowned Jacques Saunière was renowned and worked for the renowned Eurostanian Museum of Renowned Art. So renowned was Jacques Saunière that his presence was even known to an albino monk.

"I'm going to murder you dude!" said the monk.

"Why the bloody tart does a sodding wanker suce as yourself want to bloody murder my bloody renowned self?"

"Because I'm both catholic _and_ albino, so I'm double evil! dun dun dun!" said the monk evilly catholicly and albinoly and shoothing the renowned curator in his renowned bollocks.

Thinking quickly the renowned man named Jacques Saunière remembered that a certain foreshadowy dude was about to show up, and he wanted to say something to him. So, even though he was dying, he still used his last renowned ounce of strength to lay down in the shape of a pentagram, a difficult feat if one is not a starfish. "Exactly as planned!" he said once his message was complete. His ghost ran up to heaven and played Super Smash Bros. with Metatron.


	2. Plot Twist

Final Fantasy XIII was actually invented by the ancient Mayans to predict the end of the world. That's why its so linear. When you beat it, the world ends!

Langdon Robert is really cool. He's a lot like me so you should like him. Langdon is a professor for Harvard, but even though he's an American he is generous enough to teach the people of Eurostan about THE CODE.

"You see" said Langdon lecturing the poor non-Americans. "The triforce represents wisdom, courage and power. The pokéball is an device the ancient spirans used to summon Aeons to fight sin. I could go on."

"Thank you kind American man for teaching our bloody ignorant arses!" said everyone because Langdon was so cool.

Just then a concierge ran into the room. "There's a bloody good bloke who wants to talk to you my chap." he said to Langdon. Langdon walked out with the bloke to speak to the guy who wants to talk to him.

Lieutenant Jérôme Collet an officer of the BFBI* addressed Langdon with a photograph gripped in his hand. The photograph was foreshadowy so I can't describe it yet.

"Hello, Langdon Robert I presume?"

"I am!"

"As you well know our government sucks and the BFBI can't rightfully be expected to solve every mystery. You we need your American advise on this."

"Well I suppose just this once." said Langdon.

"Renowned curator Jacques Saunière had his renowned ass handed to him last night. We don't know why but I have this photo of his corpse. He fell funny."

"Let me see!" said Langdon grabbing the photo from Jérôme's hand. In America that's the polite thing to do after all. The photograph was of some dead guy lying down in the shape of a star. "It must be THE CODE!" Langdon yelled. "Look! He's lying down like a pentagram. Pentagrams have 5 points. But wait, this pentagram has no circle. Generally the correct way to draw a pentagram is with a circle. Pentagrams also require 5 line segments. which means: 5-Circle-5."

"What could that mean? 5O5?"  
>"Its THE CODE! The ancient Ay-oh-el tribesmen used a secret CODE to communicate with other tribes. This code was called 'Leetspeek'. 505 in Leetspeek is... SOS!"<p>

"Bloody impressive. We must save him then!"

"But he's already dead."

"But what about THE CODE?"

"I guess its useless."

*the Bloody Federal Bureau of Investigation


	3. Suspense

The reason why clocks are round is because Queen Elizabeth once attended a wiccan anime fire festival dressed as a bottle of 7-up!

"Who speaks American?" said Langdon preparing to draw a foreshadowy object from his pocket.

"I does!" said a bird from the BFBI. This was not just your average bird, it was a European bird. In other words she was a human girl. "My name is Thegirl. Howdy dudey partner!" Thegirl was from America, but transferred to Eurostan for using too many British swear words. The Eurostanian language is mostly comprised of stereotypical British slang, so it worked out perfectly in the end.

"We must learn THE CODE." said Langdon. The foreshadowy object was a Tootsie Roll. "I need an American-Eurostanian translator. You can do that right?"

"Darn tootin'." said Thegirl.

"I know a guy that can teach me THE CODE. Lets go!" and so Langdon Robert and Thegirl went to some town called Wales.


	4. In which a car gets described

The E on the American one dollar bill has a triforce in it. Zelda was the first American president, George Washington killed her because he's really Ganondorf!

Langdon and Thegirl got into a car. The car was primarily blue, but also had bits of black and some silver trim. It was a Toyota and it was big enough to reach just below Langdon's shoulders. The wheels were round and there was exactly four of them. Inside the car was a steering wheel on the wrong side because this was not in America, but in Eurostan where everyone was dyslexic. There where two seats in the front and a large one in the back. Each front seat had a seat belt. The buckle of which had a red button. The same was true for the back, but instead there was three seat belts there. There was also a rear view mirror on each side of the car just before the windows and one at the top center of the windshield. There were four doors in all on the sides of the vehicle. In addition a large door can be found in front. This is called the hood, and under it is the engine which runs on fossil fuels. There's a similar one in back that's called a trunk. In it one can store all kinds of things like a spare tire or groceries. The seats of the car were made of a soft fabric and the steering wheel was covered in leather. There was also a bunch of lights in the front, as well as the back. One set of them was used to light the road at night. The other to signal turning. Langdon saw a foreshadowy thing in the rear view mirror then pushed down on one of the pedals on the floor of the car. The peddle was dark gray.


	5. Exposition

The moonlanding was fake. The astronauts thought they went to the moon only because aliens abducted them and brought them to Mars instead. The memory wipe cause them to hallucinate and think they visited the moon!

The foreshadowy thing in Langdon's rear view mirror was a dog.

"Here we are, at Teabag's house!" said Langdon "Teabag is his nickname. It comes from the British pastime of tea parties and not from the American pastime of putting your balls on someone's face."

"Yee haw!" said Thegirl.

"Also, Its possible he's a villain."

"Well slap my butt and call me a dirty ho!" Thegirl replied in Americanese."

As they entered the big ass mansion, Langdon and Thegirl saw an old guy dressed in Ritz. We was also wearing Cheezewiz and clothing.

"You buggerin' yanks just interrupted a jolly good consumation of the bleeding good snack items my good fellow chap cheerio!"

"He says 'y'all interuptin' muh supper!'" Thegirl translated.

"We need to learn THE CODE."

"I got me a blimey good Da Vinci piece that'll show you bent bugger fish and chips lift bullocks!"

"He says 'he got a purdy drawin' from a cowpoke named Leonardo Da Vinci'."

"Lets see it, so I can know THE CODE!" Langdon said. They walked down the hall and came to _The Last Supper._ It was the real one. Like really real! Holy crap! This guy's freaking loaded. Well what do you expect of a guy who's got a big ass mansion?

"Look at this!" said Teabag. "Now with new technology we can look at the under layers of a painting to see what kind of embarrassing mistakes the artist made! Fit Bird, bloody twat!"

"He says take a looksee at this tootin' thang, partner!"

Teabag operated his X-Ray machine and sure enough, you can see the under layers.

"But Leonardo Da Vinci makes no mistakes! He is God! No he actually knew that this technology would exist someday and hid clues under the top layer. Behold that guy looks like a chick! Bugger Wank!"

"He says..."

"Oh shut up! I know what he means!" said Langdon.

The guy in the painting did look like a chick. There was also a comic book style word balloon that said "clubs secret join to fun its!"

"What could it mean!" said Thegirl.

"No one could decipher _that _CODE!" said Langdon.

"Thanks for coming over!" said Teabag. "I have no friends, so the only people who visit me are my adoptive kids, Edward and Alice. Here's a present." The old guy gave Langdon and Thegirl a Macguffin and wished them a safe journey. Next stop: THE CODE!


	6. Flashback

Canada is hiding something. Something BIG!

The albino monk decided to chase after Langdon Robert because why not?

"I'll catch him if its the last thing I do! Dun dun dun!" he said.


	7. Character Development

The chinese word for "Crisis" contains the words "Sanity", "Savior" and "You dumb-ass".

Langdon wondered what the macguffin was. It was a golden Easter egg, but locked in such a way that battery acid would spill all over anyone who dares open it.

"This macguffin is made of THE CODE!" said Langdon. "We must open it somehow, but to do so without getting burned will require us to learn THE CODE!"

"Its a paradox!" said Thegirl.

"I just thought of something!"

"Yeah?"

"What if Jesus had a girlfriend, and the knocked her up?"

"Then Christian would get mad, because that would mean he's no longer single!"

"We shall look for THE CODE!"

Langdon glanced at ring given to him by the concierge. On it was the phrase "Maharanee Erasing Mug Lops? - Draconian Alkali Dove"

Thegirl spoke up, "Hey did you know my grandpa was some kind of Satanic Wiccan Buddhist Native American Shinto? Maybe he knows about THE CODE. Lets ask him in a flashback!"


	8. Climax

The ancient Egyptians used to play Yu-Gi-Oh! instead of conducting wars. Those were good times.

One day Thegirl's grandfather Zed was attending one of his cult meetings.

"Zardoz speaks to you!" said a giant stone head.

"I love this time of year." said Zed.

"The gun is good." said the stone head.

"The gun is good." everyone chanted.

"The penis is EVIL!"

"The penis is evil!" the crowd repeated.

"Go forth to the nearest comic shop and find me some Japanese yuri manga." said Zardoz vomiting guns.

"We hear and obey!"

"Hey Zed!" said Thegirl. "My buddy Langdon wants to learn THE CODE."

"Well I don't have the time right now, I need to get these dirty comic books back to my god. Ask me again some other time please." said the old man sorting through various firearms.

"Sorry gramps!" she replied, falling backward into the natural timeline. "Sorry Langdon, but I couldn't find anything out and my grampa died three years ago so..."

"Why can't we just do another flashback?" Langdon asked, but out of nowhere the chapter ended because longer chapters are too unstable.


	9. Metaphor

Walt Disney hid secret swear words in all of his movies in order to send out orders to everyone else in his secret organization. The swear words are because he hated his co-workers.

_Three months ago:_

"Albino Monk!" roared Pope Aro.

The Albino monk knelt before his master.

"How MARVELOUS for you to be here! Heehaheeheehee!"

"What is it you command of me my lord. Dun dun dun!"

"There's a little someone who's been looking for THE CODE. I need him to die! Heeehheehaw! Also get his macguffin!"

"Who shall I murder? Dun dun dun!"

"Langdon Robert! He will have someone following him around, don't kill her. Leave her to me! heeheehehehheee! Marvelous!"

"As you wish master. Dun dun dun!" The albino monk bowed and then began whipping himself for thinking about porn.


	10. Allegory

There's a reptile mafia from space that's going to invade in 2012! And its all because of Nephillim.

"My god!" said Langdon. "I just realized "THE CODE" is an anagram for "COHEED T"."

"Wow, you are so smart!" said Thegirl.

"Quick, what's the first _Coheed and Cambria _song to begin with the letter T?"

_"'Time Consumer'_ from _The Second Stage Turbine Blade _from the year 2002." said the girl. "Yeah, I'm a fan. So what?"

"What are the lyrics?"

"They don't really make any sense. Its like "Librarian find me the pole, the one that kicks your head in" or something."

"That's it! We need to find a library!"

So Langdon and Thegirl raced to the nearest library. Immediately they met the librarian.

"May I help you" she said looking up from her copy of _Artimis Fowl_.

"Librarian!" Langdon shouted, "Find me the pole that kicks your head in!"

The librarian looked as if she knew exactly what Langdon was up to. This was it THE CODE would be solved at last. "Well, young lady, have you been good to your mother?" she asked him.

"Well I never! I'm a man dammit!" he shouted.

"My mistake, I thought you were someone else. Want some _Nescafé instant coffee_?"  
>"No, I want THE CODE!"<br>"Well I don't have it, good day sir!"


	11. Deus ex Machina

_Kimba the White Lion _is a total ripoff of_ the Lion King_! After ripping off the idea, Osamu Tezuka time traveled with the newly Mormonized Benjamin Franklin in order to make it look like Disney was ripping _them _off!

In the corner of Langdon's eye were thirteen randomly colored books in a series. The series had the same length as the number of apostles plus Jesus. No doubt _this _mysterious series was a clue.

"Come Thegirl, let us read these children's novels!"

They read the whole series right there, but even though the books were amusing and even included a secret organization about halfway through, there was no CODE.

"Geeze I wonder how many secret organizations in real life have the same initials." said Thegirl.

"I can't even think of that many ways of backronyming the letters S.O.S. and yet this writer can somehow do it!" said Langdon. Anyway lets go find THE CODE!" He turned back to the librarian. "Thanks for letting us read these!"

"Sure, whatever." she replied and Langdon and Thegirl left the building. But as they walked down the steps a foreshadowy guy walked by.

"Oh, hello Langdon Robert! Dun dun dun!" said the guy. "Can I have your macguffin?"

"Nah, I'd rather keep it so I can learn THE CODE."

"I wasn't asking, I was telling! Dun dun dun!"

"Well I'm telling you to go away!"

"I'm telling you to die, dude!" he responded, drawing a gun and pointing it at Langdon's head.

"First, tell me one thing. Who are you?"

"I'm Catholic and Albino, which makes me double evil! Dun dun dun!" he said. Suddenly a flock of gray pigeons descended on the group. One pigeon stole the great monk's gun and shot the monk. At this point the monk was thinking about porn again so God was grateful to the bird. Langdon slipped on pigeon poop and flung the macguffin into the air. Thegirl used her time magic to go into bullet time and a climatic moment occurred when everyone tried to catch it. After about five minutes of bullet time the macguffin landed safely in Langdon's hands.

"Score!" said Langdon doing a victory dance. The pigeon took off to participate in gang violence with his new found powers.


	12. Shocking Swerve

The Hell's Angels are Earth's last defence in case YHVH decides to invade. It will be the most epic game of Yu-Gi-Oh! EVER!

"Ditch him!" shouted Langdon running away along with Thegirl. The albino monk was alone again. He lifted his hand to his mouth and spoke into his power ring.  
>"H, this is S.O.S. executive J." he said. "Langdon's a moron but we need that Macguffin... It's that golden egg right?"<br>"Honestly," said a female voice through the ring. "I don't know, Metatron never specified..."

"I'll get it anyway. First I need to report back to Pope Aro to confirm that he is indeed in Eurostan."  
>"Hurry," said H. "The state of our sanity depends on removing all of the plot holes in this world. And after the Bella Swan thing, we have a lot of work ahead of us."<p>

"I know," said J. "...I mean 'dun dun dun'."

"Yes, keep up the act. He needs to think you' actually are evil." said Jacques Saunière approaching J from the library.


End file.
